Arizona McCutcheon Vacation – Day 1.2

It is currently 8:00 am, Sunday, Arizona time and I think I might have gotten about 3 hours of sleep and not even in a row.  The boys didn’t seem to enjoy my snoring.  So although everything has changed one thing has not.  The McCutcheons totally suck at sharing a hotel room for the following reasons.

#1 – Beds.  Fucking Beds.  The same damn beds that were so lovely and comfortable Friday/Saturday now become platforms of hell on Saturday/Sunday.  You see for many weeks we have all slept in beds alone.  Well except for me.  Since adding the puppy to the mix and at the same time Scott going back to work, I have had the master to myself.  I have been sharing it with all four dogs.  Two on the end of the King Size bed and one each in a kennel on the sides of the bed.  It has not been the greatest sleep.  I don’t sleep well prior to this year and suffering so much loss in one year has not helped.  But not having to share a King size bed with another human has been such a treat.  Scott has slept well in Hayley’s room.  It evidently is peaceful for him and he enjoys having a full size bed on a gorgeous new frame.  I think his favorite parts are no dogs and no snoring wives.  Henry has a Queen size bed with his bedding and his sister’s dorm bedding.  His mattress was too soft so we recently ordered a box spring from Amazon which clearly he and I did not understand what 9″ was.  Now you can barely see the headboard and he is way up high.  He loves it.

Here in a very comfortable Hilton is an entirely different story.  Friday we arrived in Phoenix at about midnight local time.  My brother, Kevin, was with us to escort us on buddy passes and spend a little time together.  We rallied and went to Top Golf from 1 am – 2 am.  I drove a huge Tahoe after getting uphold at Alamo.  After a fabulous hour at such a fun place we checked into two rooms which we again could afford thanks to my wonderful friend discount and we all fell into our very own Queen size beds.  Showered and cozy in my own bed I didn’t even have to try to wear my awful cpap machine because my other half of 27 years was on his back, using my neck travel pillow as an eye mask, sound asleep and snoring his heart out.  I made so much noise moving around the room and he didn’t budge the entire night.  The next thing I knew it was 11:30 a.m.!!!!!  What?   I cannot remember sleeping that many hours in a row and all of us at the same time.  Kevin had left around 8 to fly home and Henry was sound asleep when I called him at noon to say he needed to check out of that room and come to ours.

So night 1.1 (really our first day started Friday night and into Saturday) was a little piece of Hilton heaven.  Night 1.2?  Tower of Terror ride.  I dreamt of Hayley and her absence is so obvious.  We let Henry have his own bed because he pulled a muscle in his back after another 3 hours at Top golf.  His point was well you two our married you should share a bed.  I said the beds should be marked by gender.  Scott was asleep again quickly (vacation beer).  Henry and I were watching Star Wars movies while I wrote in this journal.  I cannot tell you how many times in the past 8 hours these two assholes woke me up to inform me that my snoring was really bad.  Add that I was trying to sleep in a about a 12-18 inch space that was sloped towards my side, well back to my norm.  The irony was after Scott would wake me to tell me I had woke him he fell back to sleep, snoring.  Waking me did nothing but make me more tired, cranky and uncomfortable.  When that happens I snore louder.  Beds big fail.  I don’t care who sleeps on the pull out sofa in Sedona tonight but I guarantee it won’t be me and I will have my own bed.

#2 – Food – We really have not had a set meal schedule since we lost Hayley.  Even prior to that we struggled with this.  All of us had such different work and school schedules.  But when you are 46 going on 47, overweight, and not sleeping well, room service at 10:00 pm is probably not the smartest idea.  But Henry was hungry and I might as well add a burger for me.  HUGE mistake.  I am not sure why it is called heart burn, this pain was no where near my actual heart.  I am going to have to hydrate and try to have some self control today.

#3 – Hayley – Her absence is profoundly real in this hotel room.  At home the mind can trick your grief into giving you a break.  She is just at College.  She is at work or out with her friends.  Here she was missing in the 4th chair at top pot.  One less kid to consider when choosing where to eat.  We stopped at a Target (I kind of do this in any new state I visit).  Henry and I spent 30 minutes trying to pick family games to buy to play in Sedona.  Do you know how many games there are that need 3 players exactly?  Do you know how many say 4 players or more?  It was painful, I cried in the lego aisle and Henry didn’t even get mad about it.  If Hayley were here, the bed argument would be easier as no one would get his own bed.  I really really miss her right now.

Saturday at 1 am Kevin introduced us to Top Golf.  It reminded me of Lucky Strike bowling but golf.  It is a huge three story driving range where you can play different games attempting to hit your ball into targets.  It is high tech and so much fun.  Henry really loved it.  Henry had a few lessons one summer back around the 1st grade.  Scott would over the years take the kids to the Mt Si driving range.  Both were naturals.  It has probably been 5 -7 years since they last did that.  Henry was doing so great!  He wasn’t perfect but he kept it in what would be the fairway most of the time.  I was so excited to see him basking in the praise of his Dad and Uncle.  He smiled a lot.  Not once did he complain about being on vacation.  Thank you Top Golf!

My brother shared some pictures on Facebook. Several friends asked if I had the donuts.  I said no but that we were going back that day for more golf and I would certainly enjoy trying donut holes you inject with cream.  One friend reached out.  She happened to contract for the CEO of Top Golf.  Again, what a small world.  We don’t even have one in Washington (yet).  She told him our story and asked what time we were going back.  She told me to ask for Kirk.  I was thinking we would get to have a “bay” (like a lane in bowling) in a prime location.  Well yes that did happen when Kirk greeted us.  But we also met several other managers.  The place was incredibly busy with corporate and large group holiday parties.  As a business major I was drooling at all that was running so smoothly around me.  We were escorted to a prime location up on the top deck.  My friend had told me we would be comped.  First not sure I have ever used the word comped in a sentence and I am thinking woo hoo a free hour of golf.  It was more like “how long would you like to play?”; swipe of his magic card and the three of us started our “family” vacation.  We had the best server, Nya.  Like seriously I wanted to take this girl home with me and adopt her.  We talked and laughed.  I told her about Hayley.  Management obviously knew our story and were interested in chatting with us whenever they could stop by our bay.  Nya informed me that we were VIPs.  Henry thought this was pretty cool and I raised a “thank you so much” to my friend towards the NW skies.  One manager asked me are you upper managers or directors.  I wish, remember still need job.  No, I explained we were just a family of four that was now a family of three that were lucky despite their tragedy to know really amazing people.  These people saw we were coming and decided to make sure we had fun.

Not only did they not charge us for golf, they comped (like this word) our food and Scott’s pitcher of beer.  This was beyond what I was expecting.  Those donuts were amazing by the way.  We hugged our new friend Nya and by total coincidence she is heading to Sedona today to do some hiking and we hope we see her on the trails.  I even beat Henry in one of the games!  

It was truly extraordinary to see a company in action that clearly was and will continue to be a success.  The place was packed.  There were so many employees and it seemed that they all really enjoyed their jobs.  Nya told me about what she liked best about Top Golf.  It was clear that from the top down people, both employees and customers were what Top Golf was all about.  In a world where I have experienced the opposite this year and had my faith shaken because of it, this was so satisfying.  I still cried in the bathroom.  I was glad when another table needed our fourth empty chair.  I thought about how much fun Hayley would be having.  The girl could whack a golf ball.  I watched Henry play for 3 solid hours.  (equals pulled muscle in back, video gaming doesn’t quite work the core)  Scott was relaxed.  The temperature was perfect and just being outside felt great.  I felt a little like a yo yo.  Up, fun, smiling, donuts,
a happy teen boy.  Down, I miss my beautiful girl, I don’t want to be a VIP, I want Hayley.

Time for a shower and a trip to the local mall for trail shoes.  In my frenzied packing I could not find my hiking boots, although they would not fit in any of our carry ons (stand by flying).  We are then heading to Sedona until Wednesday.  I have been told by multiple people that it is one of the most naturally beautiful places and that it is spiritual and peaceful.  Not sure this will be Henry’s favorite part.  I can only wish on a thousand stars that I find some peace even for a few moments.  I really feel like it will go two ways.  I will find my center even if only temporary or the quiet will let the grief and pain flood my soul.  For several weeks I have felt like the leash I have on the grief I call the beast has started to fray.  I am fearful of what the break will look like.

Thank you for reading.

Travel journal, Sunday Morning.   —- Dawn

 

 

 

 

Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes… or perhaps you don’t want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away? — Clark