Arizona McCutcheon Vacation Day 2 and 3

The McCutcheon Lampoon Vacation continues. Sunday morning we were still in Phoenix. I had forgotten Henry’s swimsuit and my hiking shoes. So how did I spend a Sunday on Vacation? I took the rental car that we are calling the McCutcheon Assault Vehicle and left the boys in bed to go to the Nordstrom Rack in Tempe. It was a terrific one and resisting purchases that I have no place to pack for the trip home was torture. I went into a huge Barnes and Noble to purchase a couple of books. Mr. Negative Husband says, “you brought your kindle can’t you use that?” He clearly does not understand that you have to touch and smell a real book after about 10 Kindle books. You can then start the pattern over. After my little spree I picked up In-n-Out for everyone. When I got back to the hotel around noon, they were still in BED! The older one had showered, so that was something. I thought In-n-Out sucked. I spent the next hour and a half re-packing. Got them in the car and on our way to Sedona finally by 2:00! All we heard from the teen in the back seat was whining about having to go. All he wants to do now is go to Top Golf.

Does this not sound like the most boring vacation day ever? In a way it was. But I had time alone and was able to let some of my grief show. Scott has not wanted me to show it at all, to ruin vacation. I can’t control when it is triggered. I have gotten better at shutting it down quickly. “Get in, Get out” is what my counselor says. There were many triggers on my little outing. The boys went swimming the night before. Unfortunately for them no Christie Brinkley was in the pool. What I realize more than ever on this trip was that I am missing my partner and my other half more than ever. That person is not my spouse it was Hayley.

She should be here.

The Hilton resort here in Sedona at Bell Rock is stunning. Everyone including the teen boy was thrilled with our room. It is more like a small apartment. The staff is terrific but also casual. It was fun that Henry could join us at the bar. They have tons of sports on TVs, a full wall Scrabble game, foosball, ping pong and many fire pits outside with beautiful stringed lights. I listened to the bartender talk about a guy that got out of hand the night before and landed one of the servers in jail. Sedona is not the quiet place I thought. Henry actually hung out with us for hours. Food was outstanding. We ate dessert first, why not, it’s vacation. I had the most amazing chili in this big kettle pot. Had pizza delivered for and while the boys were in the pool. Henry was still complaining from back pain. We still shook our head that our 15 year old pulled a muscle golfing. Seriously that is usually Scott. Evidently this week is one of their slowest here at the resort. At times we feel like we have the place to ourselves. That evening Henry didn’t think gaming. He chose to hang out with his dorky parents. But everything seem to be in fours. Four chairs at the tables. Four scrabble letter holders. If we rented an off road vehicle to explore, four seats.

She should be here.

Having Henry on his own Queen size bed on the pull out sofa, gave all of us our own beds. I have determined that having the three of us all in our own beds is crucial to any successful vacation. Henry always was so upset when he would get stuck on the pull out while Hayley would get a bed. It sucked being the youngest. No arguing this time. Henry didn’t even question where he would sleep. I would give anything to hear them fight over vacation beds.

She should be here.

Today, Monday, Scott and I walked to a local restaurant to eat breakfast. Here is where we saw on the news above the cafe bar the horrible news of the train derailment back home. Horrible. We were both quiet. Because of Hayley our empathy levels are at an all time high. When they said multiple casualties we thought about what those families would go through. Our empathy was not just from being kind people, it was now from experience. It was hard to pull myself out of the rabbit hole thinking about those families. We brought Henry breakfast in bed and headed out to explore some more. I have hiked the red rocks in Las Vegas. But the rock formations and scenery here in Sedona is breathtaking. The day started off at 38 degrees and sunny. The temperature quickly rose to 58 and we were in weather heaven. As Washington natives, this weather is ideal. My kids love the gray rainy weather of home. Give me a cold and sunny day! We picked up a hiking book and some snacks for the room. We returned around noon to find the teen boy still in bed asleep. He had crawled out to eat and then back to bed. We poked the teen beast and told him to get ready for our Pink Jeep tour. When I signed us up he complained. All he wants to do is golf. When I decided we should stay an extra day here so he has time to golf, he still complained. So frustrating. Scott has admonished Henry and I for fighting. It is almost like we are picking fights with each other on purpose. His fights were always with Hayley. So were mine. We were too much alike and butted heads often. So I think we are not used to having such a quiet vacation with no sibling drama. We stopped by the golf club house to talk to them about Henry’s first trip onto a course. When he finds something new to love he is seriously ALL in. It is both annoying as hell and satisfying as a parent when he tries something new. The Pink Jeep tour was a hit. Henry had the coveted shot gun seat while Scott and I were wedged in the back with three women from Boston. I enjoyed being squished up against him with his arm around the back of me, my hand on his knee. It almost felt like we were a normal couple. The ride was rough and exciting, the final destination was breathtaking. I knew that in my current physical condition hiking that far into the protected land and getting that close to those gorgeous rocks is not going to happen. There was an extra seat in the jeep that held dusty blankets. That would have been her seat.

She should be here.

We returned to the resort and Henry practically begged Scott for another round of wall scrabble. I sat at the bar and watched them. I ate the entire family size kettle of chili. This was the worst decision of the day. No heartburn but let’s just say I am making some noises. Get this. Scott sleeps like a log. He barely moves, was snoring his post beer snore and had ear buds in listening probably to a podcast about aliens in the deserts of Arizona. But if I even let out the tiniest, quietest of poofs, he hears it, wakes up, wakes me up and voices his disgust. All I do is apologize and hope the “sounds” get worse. Because seriously in 27 years of sleeping in the same room I can tell you whose ass is the most musical and it is not mine. Hayley would also be telling me what an idiot I was for eating all that chili. She would be right. She would mock me and it would feel so good.

She should be here.

Tuesday will be the Grand Canyon day. The last time I visited was a drive from Vegas with the kids and my cousin and her daughter. When I found out that Sandy had not been to the Grand Canyon I was appalled. It would be like me not visiting Mount Rainier or Pike Place Market. Of course Henry is complaining about going. “Mom, I saw it when I was like 10”, we don’t need to go. I do feel I am fighting him on this vacation, yet I have seen more smiles from him in the last three days than in three months. I am excited to show Scott the Grand Canyon, he has never been. I will continue to try to ignore the complaints and suppress my grief. She is on my mind constantly. The drive to the Canyon will truly be reminiscent of the Griswolds drive across the desert; just hopefully minus the launching of the wagon and tying a dog to the back bumper.

On Day 3, I am glad we are away from home. Away from the Christmas tree. I keep forgetting that it is next Monday and realize I have not done all my shopping. I kind of don’t care. Hayley is with me on this vacation. I realize now that it is not the house or her room or her stuff that is surrounding me, making me so very sad and lonely. Her absence here is just as glaring. I want to reach over and pet her hair while she sleeps. I want to play foosball with her and go explore all the tacky gift shops we can find. I have been finding myself asking, where is Hayley, in my head. I always have to pause what I am doing and concur images from the hospital to make myself believe she is gone. This is always followed by a flash of anger, guilt and tears.

She should be here.