In the past two weeks I have been trying something new; getting out of the house for more than the basics. Store, Hair, Nails, Pick up Henry; those basics. Trust me the Hair and Nails are few and far between. The last Hair appointment I did get some royal blue highlights for Hayley’s cause and favorite color. I figured this is the time to experiment. For months I have been asked to get out, but I usually said no. Well to be honest what happen the most is I say yes then change my mind at the last minute when I just can not stand the idea of being social. I have started to warn people; “my answer is subject to change”. A couple of Saturdays ago I was not given a choice. This was new. I was still in my PJS at 5:00 and trying to make a dent in the house projects when I sat down at the computer for a moment. A message from a long time friend popped up “what are you doing?”. I debated, pretend I didn’t see it or answer out of curiosity to see where it goes. She said “I need you to be my date tonight, be ready in an hour”. I don’t think so, as I sniffed my pits. I politely declined. Her response, ” I was not asking, I am telling you I am picking you up in an hour and you will have fun”. I laughed out loud thinking to myself, I don’t have fun anymore, I tolerate fun, or I fake fun. Nothing is fun without Hayley. I told Scott what was going on. Instead of supporting my need to stay home, he said, you should go, sounds fun. What sounds fun? I don’t know where we are going or for how long? I asked her 20 questions. When, Where, Who What? I hate surprises. Will it be illegal? Is vandalism involved? Will I need bail? What do I wear?
She said I will be there at 6, said she needed to get out herself and then ignored all of my questions. I quickly showered wondering wtf we were doing. I hate surprises. I stood at the bottom of our driveway at 6. Along came a car with a different friend and her husband that had recently retired and moved away, Is this part of my surprise? Turns out I ruined HER surprise. She was planning to anonymously sneak a pretty painted rock on to my porch. It was the nicest thing to do. She waited with me for friend number 1 that was basically kidnapping me. She arrived, off we went with me bitching my head off about it. My negative mojo, “I am only doing this for you since you have gave me no choice and I have not seen you in so long. I really hate surprises. Freeway? Where the fuck are we going?”
“Fine I can tell you now”, she said. She assumed I would not try to get out of the car at 60 mph. We are going to Gay bingo. WHAT? Gay Bingo? Am I really your “date”? She said it is fun and it is in Fremont. WHAT? We are going to Seattle, ugh. It turned out to be a huge, hundreds of people, event and fundraiser for a big AIDs foundation. That is fabulous. It was seriously entertaining. I couldn’t resist the t-shirt that said “O 69; Grab my dauber”. Next to us was a gal that truly had the most awful resting mean face. I finally asked her, did my friend bump you or something? This did not help. We didn’t come close to bingo. What was interesting was that I felt so odd. I didn’t remember what fun felt like and it was disconcerting. I felt sort of invisible. Can everyone see my grief? Is it obvious?
I was happy to be spending time with one of my favorite friends. A friend that had been through a lot with me over the years. But I felt guilty, Hayley can’t have fun why should I. I realized I need to do things for her, I was now responsible to have fun for her. So I tried. I succeeded until about 3/4 of the way through then I was seriously just done. Someone called Bingo one minute and in my head I called I am done next. I kept it to myself. At this point I can only handle contact with groups of people for so long and then an alarm goes off in my head and I am done. When I am done it is a feeling of panic, I need to get home NOW. It is a physical reaction. I get hot, uncomfortable and shaky. Grief is not just in your head. It is not just emotions. It is physical. It causes physical pain, discomfort and hinders your ability to perform like a normal person. Sometimes I fake it really well. But my smile is fake. Some people see it, some do not. I appreciate that some people keep asking me to go out.. Most have stopped. Which is totally fine. I still feel taken care of. But I wonder if people judge me. That they think I should be getting well faster. How do you undo 19 years of your life. Everything for me revolved around Hayley and Henry. But Henry is so easy, so it feels as if my life was all about her and our amazing friendship. How do you live without that once you have it? How do you feel thankful you had it when so many don’t? Thankful is currently an off limits feeling. Others that are banned; Grateful, Happy, patience, and Sympathy. Sounds like Snow White, I should come up with the 7 dwarves of grief. Another post.
I got home and took a long shower, cried until I was exhausted. I wanted so desperately to tell Hayley I went to Gay Bingo and show her my t-shirt 
that I knew she would steal from me. She needed to be having fun, not me. The guilt is overwhelming. The anxiety if I am gone for long is heightened.
Months ago I purchased Lewis Black tickets for Saturday the 20th. I figured by then Scott and I might be ready to laugh. I thought a comedian show would be a good option. Scott had no interest in going so I brought an old friend. We had a great dinner and the show was funny. Prior to the show I saw that Lewis goes live at the ends of his shows and reads rants fans submit. I sat down an hour before we left. The funniest thing I could think of was my recent Arizona Airport Fart story. I quickly typed out the not sanitized version. Lots of ‘F’ Bombs. It was about why do we have to be so judgmental of farts, everyone farts. When he went live, he was only answering short questions and ranting himself. I guess I misunderstood, he won’t read my long story. I was relieved, and I had writer remorse.
Sunday night he had a second show. Just as I was getting ready to go to sleep I looked at my phone one more time to see a friend I have not seen in 10 years had posted that she was at the 2nd night show and that Lewis Black had ready my story at that show. In fact she said it brought down the house and that he closed with it and got a standing ovation. WHAT? When it was posted online, Scott and I watched it together. I was nervous because I had sold him out a bit for comedic value. But at the end he said that is fucking funny. It felt nice to get a compliment from him, but at the same time he seemed surprised I was funny. WTF, where has he been the last 27 years, I think I am hilarious.
Maybe my new job will be writing for comedians! The moral of the story is that I am not ready for several hours out. Shorter outings. Comedy shows hurt. I was uncomfortable in my seat and my face hurt from smiling for more than a fraction of a second. My weight is making me so uncomfortable and is my number one priority right now, to get healthy so that I can battle this burden of grief with better tools. Lately my coping tool has been “what would Hayley say? WWHS I think what would Hayley say right now. Sometimes it is obvious what she would say. But most of the time I can’t imagine her words.
The sadness, the darkness. It is getting deeper. She doesn’t answer.
www.lewisblack.com/live
Watch the live feed from 9/21, Seattle. Minute 16.
😚