Back to my vacation. As you may recall I left off after my birthday eve traveling to the crappy hotel with the horrible sheets only to end up at the right hotel for us. Hayley and I had planned to go to Disney for my Birthday. Just the two of us, I had even booked the room. 
Once we settled into our new room we walked towards the happiest place on earth. Who coined that phrase? It seems very presumptuous and a little over confident. I have been several times and witnessed so many parents that are clearly not having the happiest time of their life. Their child is melting down because they have to wait 45 minutes for Dumbo. I saw parents that just want to go on the Pirates of the Caribbean to get cooled off and rest for a short time but junior is scared of pirates. I have seen adults in long lines glaring at the kid in the wheelchair that gets to go to the front of the line. Really? Do you want to trade places? So not very happy. We have been lucky. From Hayley’s first visit, Disneyworld, age 4, she had great reverence for the parks. It was her Happy Place. 
Even when dragging her 2 and a half year old brother around didn’t phase her. Rain didn’t phase her. She could spend all day there and never complain, never meltdown. She was just so thankful to be there. One year we surprised the kids for their birthdays. Told them at the airport we were going. Their birthdays are just 9 days apart so it was easy to do big things and have them share!
I was really worried about how I would feel about being there without Hayley. I melted down before we left the hotel. One of the things I realized is that I miss human touch. Scott is not a touchy feely guy and his grief is just as deep but surfaces in different ways. 
Henry, well he is a 15 year old boy, enough said. So when I cry every day, it is just me and the dogs. This time Sara sat next to me and rubbed my back. It felt so foreign and I cried harder that I don’t have that every day. I relaxed into it and the tears felt like a release instead of pain. 
We started at Downtown Disney because I had to have Beignets. Donut like pastry fried and shaken in a bag with powdered sugar! Heaven. It was also a way to ease me into the parks. We went to the Disney store. Hayley and I referred to it as the “Big fucking Disney store”. We spent more time than necessary picking out our ears. I always have wanted them but always spent money on the kids not myself and if I did I got a practical baseball hat to shade my face. Not this time, Mickey. I am going to rock sequin ears. 
As we walked towards the parks rocking our ears, Sara reached out and held my hand. Her energy flowed into me and made me tear up but also made me realize, with that simple gesture, that I was not alone. The person that was there with me was exactly who I needed. We opted to start at California Adventure, less nostalgic. Plus Sara had not seen Carsland and I was so excited to get her on my favorite ride ever. We were wearing matching Red minnie tees with our Nike embroidered shirts over the top and our ears. Don’t forget the Micky earrings she gave me for my birthday that day. We were both absolutely ridiculous and incredibly adorable. Two grown woman celebrating their birthdays at the happiest place on earth.
But you see it is not the happiest for me. The happiest I have ever been is when Hayley was on one side of me and Henry on the other, my arms around them. 
Now I am missing one side. There is truly no happy place for me anymore. By going to Disney and the Ocean, I was searching for that place. The place where I would feel a little happy, a little peace. But I was wrong to have that expectation.
As we entered Disneyland holding hands I didn’t get that normal rush of adrenaline. It was like I was there but I was invisible. It was just the two of us. I felt like an observer but not part of the crowd. It is so hard to explain. I was grateful to be there with my longest friend, but I was disconnected. I know the park inside and out. I am a planner, I like to see and do everything. This time I was fine to just wander without purpose. Many parts of both parks were under refurbishing. This also made it seem abnormal. I expected to see Hayley around every corner or next to every character. Is this the chair she sat in to eat her ice cream? Which color car did she drive on the Autotopia? The voice in my head was full of questions. Do you remember that time Hayley and I tricked a terrified Henry onto Splash Mountain? What about the time Hayley and her Dad road the roller coaster over and over until the park closed? Both were queasy still the next day. What about those awesome photos of Hayley with Donald Duck with him acting offended because she was wearing a Micky mouse shirt? The Birthday and Graduation trip for Hayley and Kayleigh that almost didn’t happen. I am so thankful we found a way to make that happen for her. We will cherish that trip always.
I made it 17,000 steps that day. Prior to that day, my 47th birthday, I had not done more than 3,000 on most days. I was hurting due to my bad ankle, fibromyalgia, weight and just plain being out of shape. But I felt I had something to prove. I had to do this for Hayley. She couldn’t come to Disneyland but I could do it for her. We spent Wednesday, Thursday and Friday in the parks. We took it slow. 
We didn’t do everything but we had fun. I spent a lot of time people watching. I would see a mother disgusted with her child. I wanted to walk up to her and tell her to enjoy this time, it won’t come again. Cherish it no matter what. Let your plans go, let the schedule go, just BE. I saw teenage girls wearing their ears and Disney wear. ( like us old folks)
I noticed that the parks seemed not as shiny or clean. Colors seemed dull through my grief stricken eyes. My eyes found the pieces of trash or dirt. The music and sounds were distant and muffled. I wonder if this was my brain’s way of protecting me. Disneyland seemed worn out, just like me. It was not as vibrant and beautiful as before. I wonder if that is how I am seeing everything. Do I see everything through the lens of grief? Absolutely. It took Disneyland to make me notice.
Our second night we were so lucky that a friend of Hayley met us. It was so wonderful to see her, she is a talented young woman and one of Hayley’s favorite people. It felt so good to hug her, like I was hugging a bit of Hayley. I was obsessed with these gorgeous Swarvoski crystal tiaras. I have no idea why, I am really not a princess. I had to have one. 
They were ridiculously expensive, but I had to have it. I knew it would be the perfect accessory to wear when I was writing. We were lucky that our friend gets a Disney discount and I felt less guilt about this really impractical gift. Sara bought it for my birthday. It is lovely. I guess I am a princess. Maybe not a Disney Princess but a princess just the same. I know you are all jealous of my Tiara. You may see me at the grocery store wearing it.
As we ended our Disney time and headed to Huntington Beach I realized that I had accomplished so much. I had been physically active. I proved I had the physical strength to walk for Hayley. I had the emotional maturity to let Sara comfort me each day. I had the awareness to realize a imperfect vacation was still a vacation. (did I mention the sun?) 
I need to learn to Be Kind to myself. I need to find my “NEW happiest place on earth”.