Some weeks are harder, some days are harder, some hours are harder. Then some are just brutal. This week seem to be brutal. I cried more, I was more tired, and in more pain. I can’t figure out if there is a reason or a trend. Some times it is an obvious trigger. That is what happen today. My mom, Scott and I were rearranging furniture. In our front room we had two red leather chairs. They are not the most comfortable, but they do recline for your feet. I put a tv in there a couple of years back and then we actually used that room. It was the same concept of not letting Henry have his computer in his room. We would never see him. So he has a man cave downstairs to do his gaming. This way we see him when he comes out for fluids and nourishment. Hayley was the same way about the TV and her shows as Henry is about gaming on his PC. Hayley actually had a bulletin board in her bedroom and a list of shows she wanted to make sure she didn’t miss. Thank goodness for a DVR.
She liked her alone time. Her room was her sanctuary. It was her favorite place to be. Her space at home. So I upgraded our cable system to get DVRs in all the rooms. This way she could watch her shows downstairs in the front room. We used to call it the Red Room but then 50 shades of Grey ruined that. This way we saw her, we were all on one floor and “together”. We have an open floor pan that has a stair case up the middle. This was my solution to the family challenges of the 21st century.
It was the red chairs that Hayley and I sat in and talked about organ donation a month before she left us. We had talks about life in that room. I even counseled some of her friends in that room. She got in trouble in that room. The one time she ever really got in serious trouble I added a dining chair for Scott and the space became an interrogation room. We took family photos in the room. Snapped photos of reluctant kids dressed up for special events. Hayley and I would watch tv together there. Well she would watch, most of the time I had my laptop and was working. Her shows generally involved little people, Kardashians, emergency rooms, Grey’s Anatomy, Crime, Pretty liars, and a Full House. This was how she relaxed. I cannot tell you how many shows of Full House and midgets I watched. Oops! Do not call them midgets. She would flip out. That is a derogatory term, they are little people. It was so much fun to watch her get all in a huff about it that Scott and I slipped up often. This would most often take place in the red chairs.
I waited for her to come home in one of those chairs. She would come in from work in her uniform of my black pants, a white button down and her green Sammamish Cafe Apron. She generally flopped into her chair and said “I fucking hate people”. This always made me laugh. She said it often. So often that I ordered her one of those mermaid pillows that revealed that same phrase. I showed her and she was so excited and had the spot in there room picked out for it’s place of honor. It got delayed and it arrived after she was gone. But I would say to her, “Hayley I hate people too but that needs to be our little secret. I am so proud of you for how well you do your job.” I would sit in the cafe working or reading and watch her work” It gave me joy. Customers smiled when she smiled at them. She kept straws, napkins and jam in her apron pockets. I would find straws and napkins on our counter that she forgot to leave at work. Once there was a steak knife! Then one day there was jam. Score, hand me that strawberry, my favorite. From that day forward I would have those little packs of Strawberry jam in the fridge for my toast. If I complained she said I had to take what was left in her pocket. But the Strawberry are my favorite. Hayley kept me in jam.
Last night we finally rearranged that room. We moved the crate and barrel couches that she and I had hauled home in a UHaul. Both kids hate these couches because they originally replaced their beloved 15 year old worn out sectional. They also hate the color. It is interesting. Evidently it is called Nantucket Red. Hayley called it Pepto Bismol after you puked it back up. The plan was to purchase new slipcovers in a more neutral colors as soon as I had a job. They still have the Pepto covers. The red chairs have now been displaced. I am not sure what to do with them. So we moved them to another room for now. That is when it happened.
I try so hard to be strong. It is a herculean effort. I am trying extra hard with my mom visiting. Her grief is also raw and I don’t want her to worry about me. What can she do from Florida? When Scott moved the chair, out fell a cafe packet of jam. He handed it to me. I lost it. Sitting on the Pepto couch. I cried. My mom held my hand. I held the jam like it was something special. After a week of triggers and choking back tears it was a packet of jam that finally did me in. I handed it to my mom and asked “want some Jam”. It was not my favorite, it was Raspberry.