The past 7 months I have noticed a profound difference in my ability to function. I know, obviously curled in a ball crying most of the day is a difference. But I mean I feel disorganized and intelligence challenged. I have always prided myself on being an intelligent person. Now I am just happy if I remember to tie my shows. Now some may be thinking that what I am about to describe is “age appropriate” but I am not buying it. I am only in my mid forties. My personal age thermometer is 41 and 42 are early forties; 43 to 47 are mid-forties and 48 and 49 are late forties. You know, as in say hello to 50 really really soon. I am 47 as of January.
Some of the more common examples of my brain challenges are walking into a room and having no clue why I am there. I know this is something that starts happening, but I am talking like the scary, I know I went there and it has only been 10 seconds and there was a reason, but no matter how hard I try I can’t remember. I just stand there with my dogs at my feet cocking their heads while I say “what the fuck?”. Then there are names! This is so bad. I literally cannot remember the names of people I know. Like really know. It is more than not remembering who was involved in a story I am telling, it is they are sitting next to me and I have no clue. I was recently really upset when I was on my way to a meeting with my doctor to discuss an upcoming procedure. I obviously did not want to work with the same anesthesiologist that worked with Hayley. I could not remember his name. The man that had the most to do with her death and I could not remember as I drove to my appointment. Then when sitting with the doctor it just came out of my mouth. In fact I looked around wondering who had just said the name. The absolutely most scary symptom is driving. There is a change to a local intersection where you used to only be able to turn left on a green arrow. Now it has the option of a yellow flashing arrow. More than once I have sat there at that light with no cars coming at me staring at the flashing yellow waiting for it to turn green. Obviously pissing off the cars behind me. It is like my brain wants so much for things to be exactly how they were before July that it won’t acknowledge any changes at all.
The more entertaining examples of my mental agitation all happened on our recent San Francisco trip. Trust me they were not the first time either. It is just a good example because it happened all in 48 hours. As is always the case I get a little feel me up and feel me down in security because of my pacemaker. Like I might be able to blow up the plane with my implantable device. As this happened I realize the zippers on the side of my favorite Athleta legging style pants felt odd. They are thick pants, why did the zipper feel so close to my skin. As I collected my belongings I realized my pants were inside out. Trust me it was obvious. So I had to make Scott and the boys wait while I went into the ladies room and hopped on one foot trying to get them off without taking my shoes off, butt braced on the cold divider, latch coming undone several times while I turned them right side out. The next day we were sitting in our room getting ready to meet the kids downstairs for some sightseeing. I put my shoes on and relaxed waiting for Scott. I looked down as I stood to see that I had two completely different shoes on. WTH? 
Oh wait for it. Then as we spent the day out and about ending at an Alcatraz night tour I noticed while on the tour that my pants were on backwards. Not inside out this time, backwards. Back pockets in the front. This tells you one important fact; Scott could care less what I wear and doesn’t even notice.
I recently had a dementia test with a psychologist and passed with flying colors so that paranoia has gone, but seriously this is really challenging. I am tired, I am depressed and I have to worry if I can get myself back home if I leave it each day. I should pin one of those notes on my lapel like we did to our kids when they went to kindergarten. If lost, call….
I had read early on that grief, particularly severe grief associated with the loss of a child causes changes in the brain. So I have done some research and it is really interesting. It can apply not only to grief but to any major life disappointment and challenge.
From an article in Prevention Magazine:
Researchers completed an intriguing study that illustrates just how profound and widespread the effect of negative personal events can be and how your brain reacts to grief. Three finance professors from major business schools tracked the performance of 75,000 Danish companies in the 2 years before and after the CEO had experienced a family death. Financial performance declined 20% after the loss of a child, 15% after the death of a spouse, and almost 10% after the demise of any other family member.
Indeed, when brain imaging studies are done on people who are grieving, increased activity is seen along a broad network of neurons. These link areas associated not only with mood but also with memory, perception, conceptualization, and even the regulation of the heart, the digestive system, and other organs. This shows the pervasive impact loss or even disappointment can have. And the more we dwell on negative thoughts, the more developed these neural pathways become. The result can be chronic preoccupation, sadness, or even depression.
Another article in Simple Smart Science:
Complicated grief, according to medical literature, is when the grief isn’t simply emotional. When we experience loss, some of us more sensitive creatures tend to experience it on every level, even the physical. Loss felt deeply for long periods of time will wreck your immune system, cause your adrenals to be overworked and your hormone regulation to disrupted. Essentially, you become very weak, tired and quite possibly sick.
But what about memory?
Interestingly, grief impacts memory deeply. In recent years, a study was published that followed those who had experienced grief from the loss of a loved one. It showed that short-term memory was affected for all the study participants. For those that grieved longer, complicated grief became an issue and memory was impacted even more.
For those suffering complicated grief, they could remember almost anything as long the memory involved the deceased loved one. Most other memories were severely impacted if the memory did not include their loved one.
Other studies have shown that in some instances, people who are grieving suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which is known to have memory impact as well. With complicated grief there’s the problem of multiple issues affecting the brain at the same time. Depression, PTSD, and anxiety all contribute to major memory issues sometimes resulting in episodes of complete forgetfulness of the most basic of tasks.
My counselor says that my struggles are impacted by my main personality and mental traits. He says there are three main filters that I process everything through. #1 Being straightforward and expecting the world around me to be the same #2 My large heart #3 shit I can’t remember, but there was a third, I know there was.
So what I am hoping you are learning along with me is that major life events and grief are a process of the mind and body. Your emotions can attack your immune system and you can lose the ability to put your pants on correctly.
Your brain is doing its best to help you adjust. I am hoping mine catches up soon.