Happy Birthday to my Baby Girl

In a little over an hour what was one of the most extraordinary dates of my entire life will be upon me.  It should be Hayley’s 20th Birthday.  But instead it will be a painful, brutal and in your face reminder of what is missing in my life.  I am typing through a cloud of tears.  I have been at the beach since Wednesday and barely cried.  But now that the actually turning of the clock is here I am getting more and more agitated.  Scott saw it.  He can’t handle it.  I feel like I am going to break into a million pieces at midnight.  The only thing keeping the pieces together is the overwhelming support I am receiving from everyone else.  My cousin and her daughter are here to keep a piece together.  Tomorrow my longest friend, Sara will drive almost 3 hours to be here just for the day and to hold another piece.  My brother, sister in law and two nieces will also make the drive for the day to hold their piece.  There are so many of you thinking of us and you are holding the rest of the pieces.

My greatest fear is that it won’t be enough.  How do I survive the date I became a mother without the child that made that happen.  April 29, 1998 at 3:30 p.m.  Hayley Storm McCutcheon entered this world and turned my world upside down.  She brought the sunshine into my life.  Almost 4 years to the day Henry completed my universe.  I had my sun and my moon.  I cannot understand how the world keeps turning without Hayley.  As I have walked on the beach I have felt her. I can imagine her coming in to my bed at midnight like she does every single year.  She would crawl up next to me and say “guess what day it is?”.  I would say “I don’t know, Sunday?”.  And it would go on until I hugged her, said Happy Birthday, I love you more.  Just more.

I would have to wait until she finally went to bed to pull out the balloons I would leave outside her door.  She knew they would be there every year and she would come out of her room with a huge smile when she saw her balloons.  The fact that I would have to wait until she was asleep and pretend she didn’t know always made me happy.  I would have carefully picked a present, ordered or made her a cake per her instructions and we would have the day scheduled down to the time we would go to dinner at either Stan’s BBQ or most years, Golden Chop Stix at Redmond Town Center.  We always sat at the same table.  She often had a friend or two with us.  She lived for tradition.  Will I ever sit at that table again.  I wonder if the owner has noticed our absence.

My favorite year, was the year of the necklace.  This year I decided Scott needed to be more involved.  I gave him very specific instructions to walk to Bellevue Square from his office and pick out a necklace for her that would be just from him.  I gave him suggestions of where to go.  I even sent him about 6 different options that she would like.  He chose to ignore all of that and go to Brass Plum at Nordstroms.  He probably stopped someone and asked where in the store do I buy a necklace for my 15 year old daughter.  Well he brought it with the silver bow on the box to dinner.  She opened the box and the look on her face was priceless.  Her friend and I knew immediately what she thought of it.  She quickly hid her disdain and said how much she loved it.  But the damage was done, he knew she hated it.  I can’t blame her it was an ugly ass necklace.  It actually had feathers.  We all cracked up at the same time including Hayley.  It was so funny she told him she would treasure it always but not actually wear it.  I wonder where it is now.

You know it is just a date now.  It’s not a birthday.  A birthday requires that the person be present and turn a year older.  That is what we celebrate.  Instead it will just be the date I gave birth to a perfect baby girl.  But the date seems to hold so much power over me.  I can only hope that the pieces will hold together for the next 24 hours.  How will I feel on April 30th?  Will I be relieved.  Will I feel guilty if I am relieved it is over or will I just move onto the countdown to the next big milestone.  Our lives revolve around time and dates.  I wish for just the next 24 hours that time could be more fluid that I wouldn’t need to watch the time and count the minutes until 3:30 and beyond.  Our lives are just dates lined up waiting to happen.  When you are faced with unimaginable grief, dates become your enemy.

Being at the ocean this weekend is soothing.  As I sat today and watched the ocean I thought it really doesn’t matter if the day was April 28th or a Saturday.  The tide keeps going in and out every single day.  The tide does not care if it is a Saturday or a Thursday.  Those are just labels humans gave the cycles of time.  Sunday is not tangible, you can’t see it or touch it.  How do I take its power away?  Will I miss her more because it is April 29th?  Will it hurt more?  Only if I give it the power.  I wish that I could at this very moment figure out how to take the power away from a date.  But I can’t.  The tide will still be low at 6:30 am and high at noon.  At 3:30 it will be half way, not in and not out.  I feel like my grief is like the tides.  It rushes in and it slowly backs away.  The only thing I can count on is that the tide will continue until I take my last breath.  At this point I have no solution or answers.  The date is going to roll around in 45 minutes.  I can’t control it.  I can only try desperately to control my reaction to it.  Can I rise to the occasion and celebrate what was, who she was versus mourning what is missing.  Do I have the strength?  Will this be the date I finally shatter?  Only time will tell.