UnHappy 4th of July

July is bearing down on me like a freight train.  It is the month our lives hanged forever.  This time last year I was spending all my time with Hayley.  We were shopping for her new room, painting (well Scott was doing that), the color, Kensington Gray and preparing for her surgery.  She was so full of life and so excite about it.  A new start, Hayley getting her groove back.  I wonder sometimes if the person that made her feel less because of her chest knows that she is responsible?  I lost my window of opportunity to write her a letter.  She moves this summer to another state.  I am happy because I won’t have to see her at Henry’s school, but I wish I had sent that letter.

Someone asked us today about our 4th of July plans.  A waterfall of sadness washed over me.  Scott answered in a generic way.  I had to keep myself from ruining this gal’s day.  In my head, I said, well 4th of July was our last truly special day.  Henry had other plans.  Scott, Hayley and I spent a wonderful day at our friend’s house in Gig Harbor.  We went out on their boat. I can still remember Hayley looking back at me from the front of the boat, hair blowing, big smile on her face.  It was our last day to parent her together that was peaceful and celebratory.  I am dreading the 4th.  The partys will go on.in   We will do what Scott said today.  We will stay home with our dogs.  Although none of our dogs could care less about fireworks.  I want to see her on that boat, happy and excited about the next week.

Once I survive the 4th, a week later we have the anniversary of her surgery and then the dates just roll in.  The date she crashed, the date she was declared, the date she donated her organs.  2 weeks solid of nightmares.

I went for my first walk in over a year this past week.  It was a good walk.  3/4 of a mile.  Pretty good for 4 weeks out from bariatric surgery.  Finn did pretty well. But, I felt really isolated.  Vulnerable.  I was out in the world, unprotected.  I think one of the reasons I have not been able to get my house in order and it is always a mess, is that then I won’t have people over.  I sit on my couch, on my spot.  I sit.  I cry.  I scream.  Then Scott gets home and we count the hours until it is reasonable to go to bed.  We have decided that this time is 8:00 p.m.  If we go earlier than we have a problem.  Normal people don’t go to bed before 8.  It is our unspoken time.

I used to be so sad when it was 8:00.  Another day gone.  Sometimes I felt I had taken advantage of that day, but more often than not I felt maybe I had wasted it.  It was one less day with the kids.  Did I parent well?  Did they feel loved?  Did I accomplish anything?  I felt that time was going way too fast.  It felt like it was slipping away, one day closer to being empty nest, one day closer to being done.  Now the time crawls and I want it to go fast.  I no longer care what I accomplish.  If I got out of bed, which because of Finn I do before 8:00 a.m. every single day.  If I got dressed sort of.  Did I put clean pajamas on? Did I wear a bra?  Did I shower?  Those are things I use to judge a successful day.  But it goes by so slowly.  I feel so ungrateful that I want time to go by fast. In my mind I know that it means one day closer to Henry spreading his wings.  But I can’t get myself to care.  The pain is so deep and so raw, I just want that day done.  I want to take my medication and go to sleep, where I have 8 or more hours of relief.

The Puppy was a good idea.  My friends were brilliant.  I would be sleeping most of the days and have long sad nights without this puppy.  That would be worse.  He is basically an 80 pound toddler.  He needs constant supervision or he would destroy the house.  He also has to be with us or he will be sad.  When I cry he licks my face.  When Scott gets home he is so happy to see him.  He won’t stop until Scott lets him up on his lap for a Golden Retriever hug.  I still cannot believe Scott lets him lick all over his face.  That dog gets more love than any of us.  He plays with each of our other dogs.  They are all in better shape and healthier because of Finn the Monster dog.  But my favorite Finn accomplishment is that he makes Henry smile.  Not his half smile, but the one with the dimples.  The one that has disappeared over the last year.

So Happy 4th, the weather looks great.  Please have a slushy for me and fun for Hayley.  Enjoy your family time, every minute.  Be thankful.  Be alive.