Quarantine Grief

2020 was always a featured number in our lives this past 20 years. So many milestones would happen for our family this year. In January I would start my last year in my forties. Both kids would have two quarters of school left. In April, Hayley would turn double twos and have a senior year spring break. In May, Henry will be an adult. In June, Henry would graduate High School at EHS and Hayley would graduate College at WWU. Hayley had pondered several times during their freshman years, what would we do if their graduations fell on the same date in 2020. I always had to convince her that we would figure it out. The last of childhood parenting. One last summer for them to be kids together before one moved on to college and the other was launched into a career. Hayley and I had planned to tour in a small RV this summer. Our goal to visit all of the national parks before she turned 30. Our girl’s goal. (Scott and Henry would consider road trips to National Parks the ultimate torture) In September, 25 years of Marriage and an empty nest. Moving Henry to Bellingham, Hayley sharing all of her favorite spots, tips for classes, professors and where to hide the fireball in your dorm room. One more annual trip to Cannon Beach, Oregon. 2020 was supposed to be a big year for us. Who could have ever imagined it would look like this.

Many people were expecting the same milestones for their families this year. I have had two years to prepare myself for the loss of these occasions. Others had maybe two weeks to mentally and emotionally accept these losses. No Spring Break trips, college students home early, no graduations, no special anniversary trips, no vacations and kids home ALL the time. Everyone has suffered loss this year due to this global pandemic. If I am honest I am somewhat relieved. I feel the loss of Henry’s graduation but at the same time it would have been bittersweet without Hayley there to make Henry smile for hundreds of photos. I love having Henry home. I may not see much of him as he has his own personal space that he rarely leaves. But he is physically here, I can see and try to hug him any time I want. When he is not home, I worry, I feel irrationally worried that he won’t make it home safely. I want to cover him in bubble wrap. He is my reason that I even get out of bed. I won’t have to see photos of Hayley’s classmates at their college graduations. I feel selfish that I am relieved.

Some will face traditional grief, the loss of a loved one from the Coronavirus. Most will face the loss of a life milestone. Many will face the loss of a job and financial security. I have read many articles about feeling grief during quarantine. It makes sense. The emotions of loss and grief are disappointment, sadness, anger, stress, empathy, confusion and fear. If you are feeling any of these emotions right now do not minimize or diminish any of your feelings. They are real. It is grief. You are mourning a loss of your normal. Now imagine feeling that way every single day for the past 2 and a half years. 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. If you can do that you are one step closer to understanding what grieving the loss of someone close feels like. You are one step closer to identifying those emotions in your grieving friends and family. You are one step closer to being able to help.

Most of us don’t know what to do for someone who is grieving. We really have no idea what to do when someone suffers the most atrocious and unnatural tragedy of the loss of a child. I know I didn’t have a clue. One of my best friends lost a child, so I had first hand access to understanding, but I didn’t really understand. You don’t have to be a parent to understand where the loss of a child falls on the grief meter. I have lost so many people in my life. When I read a story about someone’s loss I always judge it based on my own grief meter. It is most certainly not a contest but I admit that I judge. When someone loses a grandparent I feel sad for them, my grandmothers were important parts of my life. I was lucky that my children got to know one of them. But I can’t be angry that she died in her nineties. When someone I know loses a parent, again I compare. I am sorry your parent died. Nowadays anything under 80 feels like you got ripped off. My dad died at 52. My stepmom died at 36. I totally judge. Then I feel incredible guilt for it.

That is an emotion that people don’t tell you about. Guilt is a huge part of Grief. You feel guilty because you didn’t make the last conversation special, you didn’t always tell them how much you loved them, you didn’t visit them often enough, or you just let life get in the way of that relationship and now it is too late. Guilt is a huge, ugly part of my grief journey. A wise person recently helped me see that. He said he could see it in my writing. My guilt is so heavy. Hayley had 7 days that she could have been saved. Did I protect her as a parent? Could I have done more? Could have I been a better advocate for her? How come I let it happen? How come I have survived so many times and she didn’t? I should have protected her. It should have been me, not her. I remember having a conversation with her once about losing her or Henry. I told her I would not survive that loss. I believe I used that conversation to teach her to make safe choices because losing her would destroy me. Neither of us ever really believed it would happen. It was a dumb conversation to even have. If I lost one of my children I would not die because I would have to live for the other. Hayley and I had lots of unusual and nontraditional conversations. Scott and Hayley were close but he and Henry were excluded from the world Hayley and I created around the two of us. I feel guilty about that. I have the ability to love in really big ways. The love between Hayley and Henry and me is deep and unbreakable. I was so very lucky. I showered them with it and they reciprocated. The kids did the same with Scott. But that is not Scott’s way. Scott’s love is solid but quiet and very much kept to himself. It has taken me 30 years to accept that. I feel guilty that we left him out. Maybe we should have pushed him out of his comfort zone more. I worry that Henry feels less loved because of my all consuming grief for Hayley. This makes me feel guilty. I hope some day we can talk about it. Thoughts of Hayley can take my breath away but it is thoughts of Henry that allow me to take another breath.

Go easy on yourself, grief sucks. Try to remember that most of the emotions you are going through right now during quarantine are temporary. There may be a new normal. You may miss your child’s graduation but they are still present. It is okay to be sad about that, but at the same time you must find room for gratitude. Be grateful they are still present. They still earned a diploma, they will have another milestone, they will have more birthdays. I think back on events or milestones I missed out on when Hayley was alive. I remember feeling upset, sad and usually mad. But I don’t ever remember feeling grateful. I let those rough times be defined by negative emotions and never appreciated that they truly were temporary. Small blips on the radar. Therefore as a parent I modeled that behavior for Hayley and Henry. I taught them being upset and disappointed was okay, but I didn’t teach them that moving past that blip in a positive way was way more important. I focused on the negative. It took a tragedy for me to learn that shit happens, it is okay and move on. Because I know what the worst possible thing feels like and that blip was not it. Maybe if I accomplish anything, maybe you can learn from my experience. Put things in perspective. If you need to borrow my perspective that is just fine. You have my permission.

If you are frustrated and grieving during Quarantine it is time to find that perspective. I know you are getting stir crazy, sick of cooking, your nails look like crap, you have roots that make your hair look ombre, your kids are making you insane and if your spouse or partner makes that sniffling sound with their nose one more time you can not be held responsible for your actions. I get it. Remember perspective. I would give anything at all including years off my life to be locked in a house with Hayley. The job you are trying to make work remotely will still pay your mortgage. You have food, you have wine and a roof over your head. So many people do not. You are winning against a deadly virus. Again, your feelings are real. Acknowledge them but find gratitude. One of the emotions I miss most in my world right now is gratitude. I find it impossible to feel grateful for anything. How can I feel grateful for anything without my person in my world. When and how can I get to a place where I feel it and not just say it. I am grateful that Henry is healthy and is my son. I know it, but I don’t actually feel that emotion, because the next thought is always that he is living without his sister.

Quarantine life is so similar to the life I have been living for 33 months. Prior to going back to work 12 months ago, I was absolutely quarantined 90% of the time. I did not leave the house very often. I used Amazon Fresh to deliver my groceries. I sat on the couch in my spot surrounded by my four dogs. I wore pajamas and didn’t shower every day. Grieving looks very similar to being quarantined. You feel that you must avoid people so that your grief does not infect them. You don’t want anyone to feel as bad as you do. What I never understood about grief or even depression is that when you see me behaving like the old me that is not real. You may see me enjoying a concert like I used to. I may take a vacation. I may have a lunch date with a friend. When I saw a friend that was down or going through a rough time and they did something that they would have done before, I felt like they were getting better or healing. The thing is I am not healing, I am not behaving like the old me, my sense of humor is not back. I am just better at faking it. The old me was extroverted, funny, passionate about so many things, empathetic and talkative. (only listing the positive qualities, it is my blog) That is not me now. Now I am sad all of the time, I feel broken, I feel disconnected from people, I am angry, I am so tired, and being awake hurts. People call me strong. I think they say that when I am behaving more like the old me. What they don’t realize is that the real strength is that I can do those things while hiding the new me. That is my super power. I can do my job. I can be all those things that make me appear strong. But truly it is putting on a mask. It is an example of fake it until you make it. Will those things ever come naturally? I don’t know, I can’t answer that question, I am not there yet. Can a parent ever truly recover.? What does recovery look like? Those are big questions that I need to work on. When my counselor asks me what does recovery for me look like? I cannot even began to imagine. I have a very active imagination. But when I ask myself to ponder that question, all I can think is that I will absolutely never ever recover.

Guilt and Gratitude are emotions generally not mentioned when talking about Grief. But I know that the path to a new normal will require me to let go of Guilt and embrace Gratitude. If I figure out how to do that I could probably write a best selling book. Quarantine life is similar. It involves Grief and therefore guilt and gratitude. So acknowledge you are grieving real losses. Let go of the guilt. Guilt because you have not used your extra time to clean and organize your house like Karen down the street has. Guilt because you are still not making home cooked meals like the other Karen down the street. Do not compare. Guilt because you are juggling work and your kids and you really cannot do both well. Just let that thought go and do your best. Do enough to keep your work moving forward and at the same time embrace this time with your children. Most working parents have never had 8 weeks of time with their kids. Try to look past their annoying behavior and be prepared to go big with the teacher gifts this year. But treasure every single minute you have, when things go back to reality this time will be gone. Be grateful for all these extra minutes you have to get to know your children. Learn something new about them every day. If they don’t learn 4th grade math because you were not meant to be a teacher, trust me they will still get into a good college. Be grateful for what you do have and do not complain about what you are missing out on. I think 8 weeks of posting on social meeting how sad it is for the class of 2020 that they are missing so many rights of passage is enough! Stop bringing it up! Be honest, unless you lost your virginity that night, do you still reminisce about Prom? Make sure your kids understand you are proud of their accomplishments and not that they get to wear a cheap polyester gown that you can never get the fold wrinkle out of. The gown and shaking the hand of a principal they probably didn’t like very much does not define their accomplishment. It is sad, I am sad about it. But it is time to let it be. It is what it is. What we have done has saved lives. Make sure your kids understand that quarantine was not about taking away privileges and freedoms but about being a caring member of their community, saving lives is a huge accomplishment too.