They are just dates I say to myself but it is foolish to believe it. Today starts nearly two weeks of date hell. Today was the anniversary of Hayley’s surgery, July 11th. It is impossible not to think about what we were doing. Yesterday we went to her favorite restaurant at Redmond Town Center. Got her new PJS and comfortable tops. This morning she was nervous but excited. She asked me “Can I die?”. I told her there with risks with any surgery but since she was having an epidural it would be safer. We were very confident in her surgeon. She wore my Disney zip up jacket and sweat pants. We were taken back to a room where she put on hospital clothes. The surgeon came in and drew guidelines on her body. I remember being terrified about the recovery and keeping her comfortable. While she stood there getting drawn on, I was reassured that she needed the surgery. She was so uncomfortable, We talked about all the things she was going to be able to do. Exercise easier, Dance Again, Find a swimsuit that fit. Then it was time to meet the anesthesiologist. Gosh he was young, his name was Caleb. I explained to him that he was going to have a challenge giving her an epidural. I told him she would faint. He said it was more difficult but he could have her lay on her side. Red Flag. I trusted him. Aren’t we supposed to trust the people wearing scrubs and white coats?
Scott and I waited in a private room. It was prime day, I ordered lots of stuff for Hayley’s new apartment or just fun things I thought she would like. Many of those items sit in the original boxes in her room. The surgery was taking too long. A nurse came out to tell us they got a late start but that it was going well and we had another 45 minutes. Oh Okay. A few minutes later a coordinator came in to talk to us. Hayley and I had bonded with her, she had worked hard to get our insurance approval for the surgery. She said they didn’t get started late because of our surgeon but that the delay was because they had struggles and issues with the epidural. I was steaming. I told him I knew my daughter, I told him to have another plan, but he just couldn’t fail or give up and go general. Was that a failure to him. His choice killed my child. I wasn’t able to be there with her, she was so brave.
So today I run through hour by hour where we were. Right now we were at Swedish Issaquah Emergency room with Hayley throwing up every few minute and with an excruciating headache. It must be a leak in her spinal column from the epidural. It should heal on her own. I insisted they admit her and control her pain. It was a battle. Henry was at home, Scott took the first night shift and I went home thinking a couple of days of healing and fluids in an iv and she will be on the mend. I explained to a 15 year old boy that she was staying at the hospital. He said she will be alright. He was wrong.
A wise man told me I have to walk through these dates. I can’t avoid them he said or they will come after me. Better to confront them head on, so that is what I am going to do. I will bring you along on the journey. Hopefully it will make you realize how much good you have in your life because it can always be worse. Don’t forget that.
Thank you Dawn, I am honored to read your story,.
Hayley was lucky to have such a loving mother, I hope in telling it there can be some healing knowing you help others to remember perspective in their own lives..