Everything Keeps Going Yet Stays the Same

Okay, remember in the last post about these two weeks of hellish dates. I said something about confronting them head on. Well that was a bunch of bullshit. These dates have kicked my ass. I barely sleep and I cannot stop reliving every moment of those days. Today was the last day I heard her voice. The day they figured out what was wrong yet couldn’t save her. It was too late. It was late tonight going into tomorrow that Terri raced me back to the hospital only to round that corner and see my baby receiving CPR. It all comes back every night. I can feel the air, see the corner, see the room, hear the screaming, feel my body lose control. As they did compression on her heart mine was ripped from chest and still feels like it is missing. I am exhausted beyond words. PTSD is like that. It lurks in dark places and sneaks up on you at the most innocent of times. They are not just dates. They are milestones in my life. Two years without her, one of the loves of my life, my best friend, my mini-me, my everything.

One thing that has been noticeable is how things keep going. In April her birth tree blossomed like it does every year, but she was not here to blossom alongside it. This month to signal the dates from hell my tiger lilies and shasta daisies bloomed. I planted them 17 years ago. I don’t tend them, I really do nothing. Yet July rolls in and there they are. The same plants. The same flowers Hayley would pick and bring to me until there were no blooms left on the plants. They march on. I don’t.

Being back to work is both a blessing and a curse. The distraction is helpful and I feel useful. The cause is worthy. At the same time I have to deal with people when all I want to do is curl up and cry or sleep. I am stressed out because my weight has creeped up since starting the job. This impacts the energy that I need to get up every morning, yet I don’t have the energy to care.

Scott is back to the hammock of grief. The weather has allowed him to put the hammock out. The gift Hayley gave him that he says was the best thing ever. He spends every evening and all weekend in that thing. He has his electronics. He is skilled at escaping and I am jealous. I don’t include Henry in my writings because I respect his privacy. He is a typical 17 year old. He spends more time with friends than he does with us. I miss the little boy. We are making him go to the coast next week with us. My cousin is flying up from Nevada to be with me. I know I am lucky that the support is there. I hope that being at the beach is soothing, I hope it brings me some sense of peace. Hayley was all about water. She always had to be near it.

Hayley was an amazing daughter. She was funny, real and kind. She could make me laugh when I was mad. I could always make her smile even when she was trying not to. I would give away my life for her to have hers back. But this is not a movie, this is real life and real life sucks.